How To Save A Marriage

by Sarge Denver on June 30, 2011

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In many countries in the world today, laws have been promulgated pertaining to divorce and annulments that would allow squabbling married couples to go their separate ways. While many men and women leap at this opportunity to be finally free of the partner whom they have ceased to love, there are still others who want to find ways on how to save a marriage that has been plagued by problems and strife.

From their experiences with troubled marital relationships, clinical psychologists, psychiatrists and human sexuality specialists have ascertained two factors that will affect the chances of a marriage being saved. The first factor is if both the husband and wife still like each other. When you say “like”, you should not mistake this for the deeper emotion of love. Couples who maintain a mutual liking and respect for each other have greater chances of saving their marriage. You have probably heard of couples who sought a divorce but claimed that they remained “close friends”. A few years later, they have remarried.

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The second factor is sex. Active sexual activity between the man and woman is a key factor in saving a marriage, regardless of whether the relationship is a mutually respectful or a miserable one. It may seem disturbing but research studies have shown that couples who have an active sexual relationship stay together longer, even if either the man or the woman is prone to abusive behavior.

If you are in a troubled relationship and you want to save your marriage, here are some valuable advice from psychiatrists and human sexuality experts.

Save Marriage Stop DivorceFirst of all, it is part and parcel of marriage for couples to have the occasional fight. Conflict is a very normal aspect of a relationship, as long as it is resolved. If you have just had a heated argument with your spouse, give each other some space. Both of you will need to evaluate your respective roles in the squabble in private and come up with ways to resolve it. Avoid holding grudges. Once the two of you are calm and capable of thinking objectively, face the problem squarely together.

Secondly, learn to accept and understand each other’s shortcomings. No individual is perfect, and sometimes a man or a woman may have difficulty in changing their ways. Through acceptance, you can learn to adapt, so that conflicts can easily be resolved.

Thirdly, by the same token as the second advice, learn how to forgive. It is only through forgiveness that you can let go of the hurts that you have inflicted upon each other, so that the both of you can make a committed and concerted effort to save your marriage.

Fourth, if the hurt is too much for you to bear at the moment, spend some time apart. Either you or your spouse can stay temporarily at a house of a relative or a friend. The distance will give you the chance to cool your tempers and to objectively evaluate your situation.

Finally, if you feel that it is impossible for the both of you to face each other without quarreling all over again, seek the help of a marriage counselor, psychologist or psychiatrist who can mediate and guide you into discovering resolutions to your problems.

Learn other ways on how to save a marriage today!

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It may seem like a scenario from a movie or a bad soap opera, but there are real life instances when one spouse suddenly discovers that the man or woman he or she has married discovers that he/she is gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender.

The Numbers

In fact, according to statistics compiled by the Family Pride Coalition, there are around 2 million couples of mixed sexual orientation.

One third of this number end in divorce; another third stay married for 1 to 2 years to try to figure out what to do but ultimately end in divorce as well; while the last third make the effort to save their marriage. Around 17 percent of this last third will live together for three years or more.

Despite the bleak statistics, there are mixed orientation couples who have managed to stay together and have a happy family life. How did they manage to do it?

The greatest emotional burden is actually on the shoulders of the straight spouse. When his or her spouse comes out of the closet, they might view it as sexual rejection, which may result in damaged self-esteem.

It is not uncommon to hear them ask “Did I turn my spouse gay/lesbian?” or “Am I not masculine or feminine enough for my spouse?” Especially if the gay spouse has been keeping this a secret, the straight spouse may feel that he or she has been betrayed or lied to, causing anger and rage to erupt.

There is also the suspicion that your husband or wife may have gone to bed with another man or woman, respectively. There is the concern that you may have contracted sexually transmitted diseases, such as AIDS. Last but not least, there is the feeling of shame, resulting from what society may perceive as a flawed marriage.

Of course, the gay spouse is equally burdened. The heaviest emotion that he/she has to deal with is the guilt for hurting his/her husband or wife. But there is also the feeling of desperation and necessity to reveal to him/her the truth. He/she will also have to live with the anger, accusations and doubts from his spouse.

sexual orientationIf you have a gay spouse, the key to solving any problems is through a completely honest communication. Once the both of you have calmed down, sit down and talk about what to do next. While divorce is the only option for most couples, there are some who want to stay in the marriage because:

1) they truly love the man or woman they have married and

2) they love their children.

If there is the determination to save the marriage, the two of you should seek counseling. The gay spouse especially needs professional guidance to determine if he/she can still perform in a sexual capacity with the man or woman he/she married.

In some cases, conflicts regarding sexual orientation can be gradually resolved with the help of counseling from a trusted priest or pastor. In fact, many gays and lesbians have been able to curb their sexual preferences thanks to teachings according to their respective faiths.

Discover more information on how you can save your marriage if there is a problem of sexual orientation today!

For captioning and translation see: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=51kQQuVpKxQ

Reteaching Gender & Sexuality is a message about queer youth action and resilience. The video was generated to contribute additional queer/trans youth voices to the national conversations about queer/trans youth lives. Reteaching Gender & Sexuality intends to steer the conversation beyond the symptom of bullying, to consider systemic issues and deeper beliefs about gender and sexuality that impact queer youth. Share the video with your friends, family and networks and talk about what THIS means to you!

For more about our project check out: www.reteachinggenderandsexuality.org

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